I’m cutting it all off! I came to this conclusion almost every day for the last 6 months. See, I’ve been on an interesting journey with my hair. This journey has been an emotional rollercoaster of love, hate, envy, disgust, and pride. For as far back as I can remember, my mom would press my hair every Saturday morning. I can still hear the sizzle of my hair as she combed through it with the pressing comb hoping and praying that she didn’t burn me. At the age of 8, I received my first relaxer. I was so happy because my hair flowed and bounced like my friends of other ethnic backgrounds. I remember in 8th grade, the day after a fresh touchup, I tried to convince my blonde-haired friend that my hair felt like hers and insisted that she should touch my hair. Surely, she was thinking, “this girl is crazy!”
Through the scalp burns, beating myself in the head because I couldn’t scratch it before a touch up, breakage, and avoiding water at all costs, my hair stayed fried, dyed, and laid to the side! My mood would often be dependent on how my hair was looking that day. Don’t let it be a bad hair day!
In December of 2009, per the suggestion of my stylist, I stopped relaxing my hair. As I transitioned to my natural hair, she would flat-iron it every 2 weeks. During this time, the true texture began to show and to be quite honest it was becoming more and more difficult to comb through it. In June of 2010, I decided to do the big chop.
I hated it!
I couldn’t wait for it to grow out so that I could wear my hair in the cute twist outs that so many had begun wearing.
Over the next few years, my hair grew and grew and grew. I twisted it, wore Mohawks, dyed it and tried just about every natural hair care regimen I could find. Daily, I would spend hours on curlynikki.com trying to find new suggestions on how to care for my hair. It had grown longer than it ever had!
After awhile, I decided I wanted to wear it straight….oh how fickle I can be!
I liked how I looked when I wore it straight and I loved how long and thick it was. Four years of wearing it kinky with little to no heat, I began to have it flat-ironed again. Then I decided on a Keratin. From there, I would go back and forth between straight and kinky. Finally I decided to get a texturizer because I was going to always wear it straight. Just as an FYI, coarse hair and texturizers don’t work especially if immediately afterwards you decide you want to wear it kinky. (Don’t judge me, I told you I’m fickle!)
Anyway! While walking around with 3 different textures in my hair, I realized that I was never completely comfortable wearing my hair natural or straight. I envied those who had the finer, longer, and bigger hair like Tracee Ellis-Ross and even Curly Nikki. Their hair is gorgeous! At the same time, I envied those who could wear the short fierce fades, which showed off the beautiful features of their face. Surely I couldn’t pull that off. I needed the longer styles to cover my face. I liked the idea of being able to wear weaves and I’ve tried it a few times. However, I don’t like stuff attached me (hair or nails). I know I’m weird and I’m ok with it.
My hair defined me and it was never good enough. It wasn’t about being natural or being processed. It was about wanting to have something I didn’t have. I wanted “good hair! There, I said it….
The same issue I had, as a kid still remained true in my adulthood. I wanted the soft flowing hair never truly embracing what I had. For those of my philosophical and socially conscious followers, the good hair vs bad hair roots run deep and that topic deserves its own blog post.
Fast-forward to a month ago, I began to notice how my 3-year-old daughter responded to images of girls and women with long flowing hair. One day she saw a whip nae nae video featuring a little girl with long hair extensions and she immediately wanted me to take her hair down so her hair could be like the little girl’s hair. As my daughter struggled to pull her gravity-resistant hair down, it broke my heart. I didn’t want her to have the same struggles I had growing up and even as an adult. I had to regroup and rethink what I had always thought about hair.
- I am not defined by my hair
- Hair is beautiful in all textures, lengths, and colors and it’s merely a reflection of one’s style
- I have to work with what I have
- My daughter needs an example in her home of someone with hair similar to hers
- I have to love all of me so that my daughter can love all of her
- It’s ok to be different and everyone may not like it (I’m a pleaser to a fault)
I was completely over trying to figure out what to do with my hair. I needed to start fresh, so I called my stylist, sent a picture to her of Lupita Nyongo, and was in the chair with my stylist cutting my hair that afternoon.
Little did I know that I would absolutely love it! Best decision ever!!!!
The moral of the story is not to allow you to be defined by what society has deemed as beautiful. The media is flooded with images of what they consider to be beautiful and more often than not, those images do not look like me or you. Besides, what do they know and who made them the authority?
Define beauty for you!
As always your likes, shares, and comments are always appreciated. Much love!